A New Day, A Fresh Start

I had allotted myself a week: to grieve, to question. It was time for a decision. Little man was depending on me and I had already wasted too much time. I wished I could stay in bed with the covers over my head but that was not an option. I wish a lot of things lately.

I packed up my car for the second time in two weeks. The road was my shoulder to cry on, the wind was a listening ear.

Mile after mile was clocked, Jackson's snores kept my thoughts company from the back seat.

The Chicago skyline glistened in the sunrise, my fears knotted in my gut.

A new day.

A fresh start.

Hopefully, the right one.

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Jackson and I have arrived safely to the Chicago area to stay with my dad. You all have no idea how much your supportive words and messages have meant to me. I have no way to know when I will be able to post but I hope to use this space for healing (and soon!)

The End of A Chapter

The day was full of boxes and masking tape but for the first time packing was separate, each of us sorting what was ours.

Neither of us are people that give up but we knew a chapter had closed; we both wanted to be able to remember our story fondly so "the end" seemed appropriate. Anger, hurt, resentment. It's all there but unimportant for the time being.

I used to think we were living on love but love is not always enough. I would give anything if it was.

"I love you guys," he said one last time before he turned to leave. My tears blurred his red face from my vision.

The door shut and I whispered, "I wish it was enough."

Just like that - it was over.

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This will be my last post for a while. I need to figure out how to balance providing for my son with picking up the pieces of my heart. Please check in - I'll be poking in around Twitter and Facebook when I can.

Thank you for your support and friendship.

God's Water

Sometimes you just have to find a shaded tree to plant your blanket,

let the toddler drink a sugary juice box,

and swim in God's water.

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We're marking things off our Family Summer of Fun list. Take a look!



Faults

My dog's barks and constant scratches at the patio door echo through the hallway.

"Mojo shutup! Stop barking!" All he wanted was to let me know that the neighbor was home and I yelled at him instead.

My son's whine escapes his lips in between grunts. His arms are stretched up high; he is trying to reach something.

"Jackson please stop whining, I can't take it." All he needed was a little hand and I belitted him instead.

My husband stops his story to ask me if I have been listening. He repeats his question three times before I answer.

"Kris can this wait?" All he wanted was to talk with me and I ignored him.

It is something about myself I don't like very much and every time I catch myself doing it I get angrier - at myself, at the situation.

When I am stressed or trying to work through a problem I shut down. I can't function and my daily life gets under my skin. What little patience I have on a good day is completly gone on a bad day.

I am vacant, a shell. Not present for the ones I love.

And I hate it.
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As always Shell, the blogger behind Things I Can't Say, lets me pour my heart out.

Skipping Turds Instead of Rocks

Surprisingly everyone survived the family reunion this weekend. I mention survival not because of the family aspect but because of the heat. It was 108 degrees. It was outside.

Although there are a ton of great mushy, family stories I could tell - we all know I am not above telling a good poop story.

The family was dressed for the occasion and after all the pictures were taken and I was satisfied with how we stacked up for the upcoming year's family gossip- I gave the ok for little man to change into his swimming trunks and hit the river.

The reason is debatable - it was too hot to make Jackson endure the hassle of a diaper under his trunks, I forgot swim diapers, I was lazy - but Jackson got to run most of the afternoon sans diaper.

Normally this is not that big of a deal. The kid tinkles a little in the lake? So what. But when Jackson let a tennis ball-sized turd go, I knew we were in trouble. Instinct immediately told me to leave the picnic area and head for water. I grabbed the diaper bag and ran for it.

Where did the turd end up? I'll let you guess but dang it, I had to save his adorable swimming trunks!

No wonder I am always grossed out by natural bodies of water.

When I wasn't skipping turds across the water, we were sharing juice boxes with cousins and watching kayakers on the rapids.